When Your Child Tells You They Are Trans

A recent GLAAD survey suggests that as many as 3% of the current youth population in the US may identify as a gender other than male or female. The parents raising this cohort of kids are overseeing an evolutionary sea change in gender. Many of us are making high pressure decisions while we are learning a new model of gender identity—one that might shake the very foundations of what we thought we knew.

Gender identity can emerge at any age. Some of us will see this moment coming for years through our kiddos’ choices of friends, hairstyles, clothing and activities, while others of us will receive this information unexpectedly during the teenage years or later. When a child reveals information about their gender identity, how parents respond is critical. Research shows that gender diverse children with supportive families are more likely to experience stable mental health and positive life outcomes. Here are a handful of tips to help put your family on a positive path.

Responding to an unexpected moment

Breathe. As a gender educator and a parent of a transgender child, I’ve heard a lot of stories about how children have revealed thoughts and feelings about their gender to their parents. One mother received a pan of brownies with a note from her child that revealed the child’s gender identity along with a request for the parent to refrain from talking to the child about the topic for at least two days. Other parents have been startled by news revealed in a car ride, during a school drop off, at bedtime, or, as sometimes happens, in the middle of a melt down. For many parents, especially parents of teenagers, who are often beginning to feel anxious about their changing bodies, this news is unexpected and can feel overwhelming. If in the moment of feeling startled, you are able to notice your level of surprise and take a few deep breaths, you will be better able to accomplish the next step.

Appreciate. “Thank you for trusting me with this information.” Sharing new information about gender identity is an intimate, tender risk for your child to take. Usually this is a signal of trust and/or a request for help. If you are a parent who practices a religion or who believes in a set of politics that has not yet acknowledged the reality of gender diversity, this may seem difficult. But stop and consider: the more different your child perceives your perspective to be from theirs, the bigger risk they are taking to reveal this private information about themselves. If you are able to acknowledge the trust and love your child is expressing, you will be building the connection you share. This is not the time to share your concerns about how Grandma or Uncle Joe is going to feel about this. If words are hard, try a hug. To the best of your ability, honor that your child has entrusted you with important private, information and that they have shown great courage in sharing it.

Affirm. “I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time in your room lately/you’ve been experimenting with a new style lately/have been hanging out with new friends lately.” Even if you, yourself have not yet wrapped your head around the reality of trans lives, even if you are confused or even opposed to the situation, you can still acknowledge that your child is having a real experience. There is a good chance that this experience has made them feel isolated, upset, and at times terrified. They may be very worn down or even depressed. Affirming their experience will help them feel seen and heard and will keep the conversation centered on their experience and not your current disorientation. Staying focused on their experience has the added benefit of helping you avoid the pitfalls that come from blurting reactive thoughts aloud. Thoughts like--How did I not know? But just last month we bought a dress together? And one of the worst of all, Are you sure?--can all feel hostile on the other side of the net. Do your best to contain any big emotions you may be having. These belong to you and are not your child’s responsibility. Expressing them in a tender moment only serves to de-center your child’s experience.

Invite. “Tell me more.” Of all parenting phrases this one might be one of the most useful. There are all kinds of “coming out” moments between parents and children--moments when a child shares something unexpected about their lives. And these moments are not always about gender or sexual orientation. There are failed tests, fender benders, unplanned health concerns, elopements, pregnancies and other surprises families face. Inviting your child to share more information about a situation works well as an invitation to connect while also serving as a pause in which you can collect yourself and get your bearings in a situation.

Go meta. “Wow, this is a lot of new information. I want to stay in this conversation with you. How would you like our talk to go?” Your child may say, I just want to go play games, or will you tell dad for me, or Mom, please don’t tell anyone. They may say I don’t know. In the spirit of keeping the conversation flowing you now have an opportunity to respond. Focus on staying connected. Focus on establishing shared expectations about communication and support. You might try something like: “I want to learn more. Can you share some resources about this with me?” Or, if your child wants to change the subject you might try, “Sure let’s take a break. And before we do, when do you think you might want to connect about this topic again? Hearing from you is so important to me.” When you take time to talk about how you want to discuss a charged topic, future conversations go more smoothly and you often learn more about what’s important to your child about this topic.

Caring for yourself

Acknowledge. In the privacy of your own space, be honest with yourself about how you feel. Scared, angry, shocked, hurt, sad. Depending on the culture you come from, you may even feel emotions like disgust, disbelief, or outrage. There are no wrong feelings in this process, but there are wrong ways of expressing your feelings. It is very possible that expressing your more difficult feelings aloud to your child might harm them, or even constitute a kind of abuse. Your job right now is to sort through the feelings you are having and figure out how to take adult responsibility for them. This is a process that you may need to go through many times during your child’s gender journey.

Grieve. It is natural to grieve when we lose a future we thought we could count on. And for many parents of gender diverse children the future can look a lot different than expected. Work on finding a middle way with this grief. On the one hand it is important to be gentle with yourself about the pain you are feeling, on the other hand it’s important to celebrate your child’s strengths. Taking responsibility for your own emotional life will help you take care of your child. Remember: your child is not hurting you on purpose. They are working hard on becoming the person they are meant to be. Put on your own oxygen mask first and focus on what’s wonderful about your kiddo.

Connect. You are not the first parent to be on this journey. Many gender diverse children have grown up to live safe, healthy happy lives. Identify people who will listen to you and encourage you. It is often helpful to have at least one close friend who you will actively “bring along,” on this journey, someone who can serve as a weekly listening partner, who can be with you through all of your emotions without judgement and who also loves your child. You may want to connect with other parents of transgender children through organizations like Free Mom Hugs, Gender Spectrum and PFLAG. I belong to a local private Facebook Group called Trans Families of Silicon Valley. Local groups are wonderful for trading resources.

Learn. Chances are you have a lot to learn. Each family will have their own urgent questions that require answering. What does being nonbinary mean? Can I change my child’s name and pronouns at school? When do we need to start hormone blockers? How do I find a gender therapist? Is it important to visit a gender clinic? Write your questions down and prioritize them. It is important to start your learning process, but very few of these questions constitute a crisis. That said, if you are worried about your child’s mental health, if you sense they may be having suicidal thoughts or may be having thoughts about harming themselves it is important to contact your pediatrician, therapist or psychiatrist right away.

And one last thought...

Love. “I love you so much,” is always worth saying. Even if your mind is spinning with whatever new information has been shared, the person in front of you is still your child, the same person you’ve known and loved their whole lives. Now is a good time to remind them, and remind yourself of this important fact. Offer a hug or offer other gentle sign of affection—in my family we often make one another a cup of tea. This is not a time to drop what our family calls a “but-bomb.” I love you, but I don’t know what grandma is going to say. I love you but this whole gender business scares me. I love you but I am afraid of what this means for your future. Stick with love. Return to love. Start over again and again with your love for your child as your starting point.

Resources

Non-Fiction Guide Books:

Gender Born, Gender Made, Diane Ehrensaft

The Gender Creative Child, Diane Ehrensaft

The Transgender Child, Stephanie Brill

The Transgender Teen, Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney

Books Based on Personal Narrative:

Becoming Nicole, Amy Ellis Nutt

Raising Ryland, Hillary Whittington

Raising Them, Kyl Meyers

This is How it Always Is, Laurie Frankl (this is fiction, but one of the best for parents)

Parent support organizations: